


A Place Where We Could Stay (And Not Have to Worry)

by whispered_story



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Barebacking, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Series, some very mild angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 09:21:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10591059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whispered_story/pseuds/whispered_story
Summary: When Philip gets restless and withdrawn, Lukas takes him to New York for the weekend to take his mind off things.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by the amazing [dancing_adrift](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dancing_Adrift).

Lukas knows Philip gets restless sometimes.

Usually it's something that's easily fixed. Lukas has become really good at reading Philip, at figuring out what he needs.

Riding around on Lukas's bike seems to help sometimes. Lukas thinks that's kinda funny, because maybe that means Philip is a tiny bit into motocross after all. Or maybe Philip just likes clinging to Lukas while the air rushes past them — and Lukas is really okay with that, is willing to drive around with Philip behind him for hours if it makes Philip feel better. He enjoys it too: doing the thing he loves most with the person he loves most.

Sex helps, too. And okay, they're eighteen and constantly horny, so of course it does, because it feels _amazing_. But Lukas knows it's more than that. It's the intimacy, the way sex gets Philip out of his head for a little while and makes him focus entirely on something other than the thoughts in his head. Lukas gets it because he feels exactly the same way.

Other times, Philip will disappear with his camera for a couple of hours. Lukas tags along sometimes, just trails after Philip and watches him do his thing, pretending not to notice how many photos Philip takes of him.

There are times, though, when none of those things are enough. 

Lukas knows Philip. Everything that happened since they witnessed the murders, and the excruciating months that followed, have brought them closer together, intertwined their lives in ways that can't be undone. And it's only made them cling to each other harder, try to get even closer. 

So, Lukas has become something of a Philip Shea expert.

He knows when Philip wants him close and when he needs to be left alone. Knows when to prod and push and when to let Philip spend an entire day in bed, being sad. Knows what to say to get him out of it when the time comes and when to crawl under the sheets with him and just hold him a little longer.

And he knows that, when Philip gets restless, when he feels like Tivoli is closing in on him and the world is getting too small, too constricting, he gets a little self-destructive. He withdraws, stops eating, he starts drinking when it gets too bad.

Lukas doesn't blame him. He has bad days, too, bad weeks. Days where he feels so frustrated with his life and the thoughts in his head that he gets mad at the world, picks fights and pushes people away. Nights where he wakes up from a nightmare and Philip isn't there to make him feel better and there's this tiny voice in his head that whispers it would have been better if he'd never woken up from the coma, because it's too much. The dreams, the memories, the anxiety building inside of him and pressing against his chest until he can't breathe. The fear and pain and the guilt — the _unbelievable_ guilt he feels sometimes, because things could have been so different if only he had been less of a coward, if only he hadn't let himself be ruled by his fears.

It's Philip that brings him back every time. The knowledge that Philip loves him, needs him, and Lukas would do anything for him. He's going to stay strong for him, keep smiling, and help Philip out of his funks, too.

So he tries to find ways to combat Philip's sadness, his frustration, his restlessness. Philip does the same for him. Suggests bike rides when Lukas starts feeling antsy, drags Lukas to the barn when he needs a break from life, distracts him with kisses and touches and his body when the memories weigh Lukas down.

Sometimes it's easy for them to help each other, sometimes it takes a lot of effort, sometimes there's nothing they can do but wait for things to get better.

This time, when Lukas notices the restlessness build in Philip, he has to pull out the big guns, because his usual tactics don't work. Philip just gets twitchier, more withdrawn, starts picking fights that Lukas tries not to be affected by. Instead, it makes him even more determined to make Philip feel better.

If Tivoli is closing in on Philip, Lukas is going to take him out of it. 

He comes up with the plan on a Wednesday, which gives him two days to arrange everything for the weekend.

He gets Helen and Gabe in on it, borrows some money from his dad — and _that_ is one awkward conversation that Lukas never wants to relive. Things between them have improved, but having to ask his dad for money so he can take his boyfriend to a hotel in the city is pretty damn high on the list of things that will make both of them feel really damn uncomfortable.

It's all worth it though when school lets out on Friday.

"I'm taking you somewhere," he says, handing Philip his helmet before getting on his bike. "Hop on."

"Where are we going?" Philip asks, suspicion coloring his voice. He crosses his arms over his chest, looking more wary than defiant, and Lukas smiles.

"It's a surprise," he says. "Come on."

"I don't really like surprises," Philip mutters, and Lukas knows. There've been too many bad ones and it's easier to deal with things when they know what's coming, when they can prepare. 

But Lukas knows if Philip asked him to go somewhere with him right now, he would, no question asked. And he knows Philip trusts him, too. He's just being difficult, because, well, he's been that way all week.

"You'll like it," Lukas promises, keeping his voice light, his face hopeful. 

Philip sighs, but he puts on the helmet and slides onto the bike behind Lukas. Lukas puts his own helmet on, shifts to make sure he's sitting comfortably and Philip is holding on to him, and then guns the engine.

+

Lukas knows it probably doesn't take Philip long to figure out they're going to the city.

When they pass the next couple of towns over, heading straight for New York, he feels Philip's arms tighten around him and then relax, the warm line of Philip's body molding itself more comfortably against his back.

Sometimes, Lukas wishes they could drive without their helmets, so Philip could get even closer, rest his head on Lukas's shoulder, kiss the back of his neck while the wind blows through their hair. 

And yet, just the thought of it makes him feel nervous, scared. He'd rather cut off his own arm than make Philip do anything that isn't safe.

+

"What are we doing here?" Philip asks for the third time, as the door to their hotel room falls shut.

He'd asked it right after getting his helmet off, outside of the hotel, while Lukas sent a quick text to Helen and Bo to let them know they got to the hotel safely. 

Philip asked again when they'd entered the lobby and Lukas dragged him over to the reception desk, though that time he'd whispered it quietly into Lukas's ear, urgently. Like he was worried Lukas was making a mistake, like the receptionist would take one look at them and kick them out again instead of handing them the keys with a wide smile.

It's a nice hotel. Not super fancy, but not too shabby either. Certainly a lot nicer than the motel room, the only other room they'd rented together.

The first two times Philip asked, Lukas just smiled and didn't say anything, feeling giddy and excited and a tiny bit worried that Philip wouldn't like it.

This time, he gives Philip his best grin. "What do you think?"

"I think if you wanted me to yourself, we could have just locked the door to either of our bedrooms or gone to the barn or something," Philip says and then his eyes fall on something past Lukas's shoulder and go wide. "Are those our bags?"

Lukas turns and looks at the duffel bag and Philip's backpack, sitting on the bed. "Looks like it," he says.

"Lukas, seriously, how did you pull this off?"

"I had some help."

Philip gives him a disbelieving look before his lips tug down into a frown. "Oh god, please don't tell me you got Gabe and Helen to help you plan this... sex weekend."

"Sex weekend?" Lukas echoes and snickers.

Philip wrinkles his nose and brushes past him, going to sit down on the bed. He pushes up, bouncing a little. 

"Well, what else could this be? It's neither of our birthdays, it's not a holiday, and it's not our anniversary either. We didn't even know each other a year ago," he says. "It's not something cheesy, like, we saw each other for the first time six months ago or something, is it?"

"You think we met six months ago? Wow, you really do suck at math," Lukas says, sitting down next to Philip. "I'm going to have to make you a list with all the important relationship dates to remember, because obviously you're not going to get them right if you can't even count how many months have passed since last summer."

"I can count, asshole. It was just an example," Philip says, elbowing him.

"Uh-huh," Lukas says. He lets himself fall back onto the mattress, jostling their bags.

Philip sighs and lies down, too, his movements more careful than Lukas. He turns his head and looks at him, his expression open and curious. Already less guarded than he's been all week.

"Tell me what we're doing here."

Lukas grabs Philip's hands, twining their fingers together and giving them a squeeze. "Thought you might like it, getting out of Tivoli for a bit," he says. "I know you miss the city."

"This must have cost you a fortune," Philip says quietly.

Lukas smiles. "Nah, it's not like it's a five star hotel." 

Philip doesn't return his smile, but he shifts and rests his head against Lukas's shoulder, his hair tickling against Lukas's throat. 

"It's kinda stupid. Missing the projects," he says. "It's not like life was all that great there."

"Yeah, but you had your mom."

"Yeah," Philip says and then, quieter, "That wasn't always all that great either."

"I know," Lukas replies. He turns onto his side, so he can get closer to Philip, and kisses his forehead. "Doesn't mean you didn't love her. That you don't miss her right now. You don't just miss things that were perfect. You can miss the shitty parts of your life, too."

"Yeah?"

Lukas shrugs. "The last few months with my mom, when she was sick, they were pretty bad. My parents tried, but they couldn't exactly shield me from it. I still miss those times, too, because at least she was there, you know?"

"Yeah," Philip agrees. He tips his face up and gives Lukas a small smile. It doesn't quite reach his eyes, but that's okay. It's still progress.

Lukas kisses him, soft and sweet, and brushes dark curls out of Philip's face, tugging the strands behind his ear. It's gotten a little bit longer than when they first met, the soft curls more prominent, and Lukas likes the way it looks. He doubts he could ever look at Philip and not think he is beautiful, but the messy hair suits him. It makes him look more boyish, that sweet face framed by a mop of dark hair.

"So," Philip says, and Lukas can hear the fake lightness in his tone. "What are you plans for this magic weekend of ours then, if they don't include sex?"

"I never said they didn't include sex. There'll definitely be sex," Lukas points out and then shrugs. "I didn't really plan anything. Just thought we'd wing it, do whatever you want."

"Lukas," Philip says, his smile getting a bit more genuine. "If you bring me to a hotel and the only thing you do plan for is having sex, it's definitely a sex weekend."

"Oh shut up," Lukas says, laughing. He pokes Philip in the side, letting his fingers tickle over his waist, and Philip squirms, huffs of laughter bursting out of him as he tries to bat Lukas's hand away.

"Stop," he cries eventually, and Lukas tickles him for a couple seconds longer before stilling his fingers, letting them rest on Philip's waist.

He grins at Philip's flushed cheeks and the upturn of his lips. Lukas cups his cheek and presses their mouths together, feeling a flutter in his stomach. He's responsible for that smile, for the way Philip looks a little happier, a little less weighed down by the world.

Philip pushes into the kiss, pressing closer. "Lukas," he mumbles.

"Yeah?"

"Let's test out this bed," Philip says, and Lukas can hear the teasing tone in his voice.

"Oh, so it's okay if _you_ want sex, but if I do you make wild accusations about my intentions being anything but pure, Mr. Shea?" Lukas says, pulling back and trying to look thoughtful. "I don't know."

"Fine. I'm taking the offer back."

"Sorry, you can't," Lukas says. He lets his hand fall down to Philip's waist again, pushing the hem of his t-shirt up, tugging. "It's in the boyfriend handbook."

Philip smiles at him, and it's wide and genuine this time. "Well, if it's in the handbook," he says.

Lukas grins at him and nods.

+

Lukas ends up between Philip's splayed legs. The sheets are kicked aside and Philip's head is sunken deep down into the pile of fluffy pillows, his dark hair in stark contrast to the crisp white.

Lukas pushes in slowly, kissing the small noises Philip is making right out of his mouth, mingling with his own. He rolls his hips, presses in inch by inch, until he's buried deep, their bodies fused together. 

He curls his fingers in strands of Philip's hair, kisses him deeper, dirtier, as he starts moving. Philip grips his arms with both hands and hitches on leg over Lukas's hips, body moving with Lukas's. He thrusts in and out, Philip so tight and hot around him, but taking him so easily, so beautifully. 

Lukas catalogs all of it — each hitch of Philip's hips, each shudder that goes through him, each small moan and gasp and whimper. He seeks those out, fucks Philip the way he knows he likes it, slow and drawn out. Usually they're in too much of a hurry, too impatient. But Lukas has never made Philip come harder than when he takes his time with him. When it's about so much more than getting off, but the feeling of being one, of their bodies connected so intimately. When it's about Philip letting him inside his body and Lukas wishing it's the one place he could always be, every moment of his life, because nothing has ever felt more right.

He pushes, thrusts, breaks their kisses to murmurs words of encouragement, of how amazing this is, Philip is. How he loves him.

The first time he said it was during sex. The words just slipped out, without thought but still heartfelt. And Lukas would have felt bad about it, about not picking a better moment, but Philip had looked at him like he'd just told him the biggest, most precious secret in the world and that made it alright.

It's on those words, the murmur of _I love you_ , that Philip comes, and Lukas crashes their mouths back together, like he can take Philip's moans inside his body this way and keep them there forever.

He comes moments later, deep inside Philip, trembling through his orgasm. 

They lie together, in a pile of tangled limbs, skin sweaty and the air in the room heavy with sex. Lukas noses Philip's hairline, kisses his brow, and traces patterns down his back with the tips of his fingers. 

He feels drowsy. It's been a long week, a stressful week because so much of his mental well-being is intertwined with Philip's, and he's had more bad nights than good ones. He can finally relax now, having Philip close and in the same bed with him, and the sex has left him sated, relaxed.

"This wasn't a bad idea," Philip says, the words spoken against Lukas's shoulder. They're muffled, his breath hot and damp on Lukas's skin.

Lukas hums in reply, and tugs Philip a little closer.

He doesn't remember falling asleep, but when he opens his eyes the next time it's pitch black outside, the lights they left on in the room seeming unnaturally bright. Philip is still sleeping, his head resting on Lukas's shoulder, his breathing even and quiet.

Lukas skates his fingers down Philip's arm and thinks about letting him sleep, but he's hungry and in desperate need of a shower. He shifts under Philip, trying to distribute his weight a little better, and wraps his arms around him more securely. Rubbing circles on Philip's back, he murmurs, "Hey. Wake up, Philip."

Philip mumbles something, turning his face further into Lukas's neck, like he can hide there, and it tugs at Lukas's heart. Smiling, he kisses the top of Philip's head. 

"Come on. Naptime's over," he says.

The strokes of his hand get a little bolder. 

"Philip," he sing-songs.

Philip makes another noise, louder, more alert.

"Wake up. Let's get cleaned up, get some food," Lukas suggests. 

Philip groans, but he finally moves, rolling onto his back and covering his eyes with his arm. 

"Can't we just stay in bed?" he grumbles.

Lukas shifts onto his side and touches his hand to Philip's belly, smiling at the way he feels the muscles jump under his palm. "Are you not hungry?"

"No," Philip says, though Lukas knows it's a lie. Lunch was forever ago.

"How about we order room service and take a quick shower before it gets here?" he suggests. "We can eat in bed."

"Nothing that leaves crumbs everywhere," Philip mumbles, already sounding sleepy again. "I'm not sleeping on crumbs."

"It's gonna be like this for the rest of my life, huh? You nagging me about keeping everything clean and neat," Lukas complains. 

Philip shifts his arm, peering at him with an amused expression. "The rest of our lives?"

Lukas shrugs, casually, even though his stomach is doing these weird little flips, the way it always does when they talk about the future. When they make off-handed plans set more than a few weeks or months from now. He wants a future with Philip in it, a life they build together. The thought of settling down with someone used to be unfathomable for him, something that filled him with dread and not just because he felt too young. The idea of having a girlfriend, one day maybe a wife, he would have to come home to, to live with, scared the hell out of him. It seemed like such a bleak, hopeless future.

He thinks, now, that maybe that's one of the reasons he latched onto motocross so much. As a kid, it was just something fun to do. But then it became something that wouldn't just be a way out of Tivoli, but also something that would never tie him to a place permanently. The thought of spending his life traveling to competitions, never stopping, filled him with a sense of relief, of hope.

Now, he wants exactly the things that he used to want to run from. A person to come home to, a house, permanence. And he wants it to be Philip — wants him to be the person who is there every morning and every night, who shares a home with him, who is his constant.

"What are you thinking about?" Philip asks, touching his hand.

Lukas leans in and kisses Philip's cheek. "Getting you in the shower," he says, because voicing all his thoughts, his desires, feels too heavy, too much. 

Philip gives him a small smile and lets it slide, though Lukas doubts he believes him. He gives Philip another kiss, on the lips this time, a little bit more drawn out before he pushes himself up. 

"Let's see what this place has to eat," he says.

+

They go to bed early and sleep in late.

The light is pouring in through the windows when Lukas opens his eyes. Philip is already awake, propped up against the headboard with pillows stuffed behind him. Lukas blinks sleepily, taking in the sight, a smile forming on his lips.

Philip is playing around on his phone, too distracted to notice Lukas has woken up. His hair is all tangled and disheveled and there's a pillow crease still on his cheek.

Lukas has these moments sometimes, where he realizes how damn lucky he is. That someone like Philip walked into his life and saw something worthwhile in him, didn't give up on him through everything he put him through. That this boy right there, this beautiful, compassionate, kind boy who has been through hell and back, loves him of all people.

Lukas rolls a little closer, feeling like even the few inches of space between them are too much, until his nose is pressed against Philip's hip and Philip looks down at him.

"Morning," Lukas says, his voice still scratchy, and worms his arm around Philip's leg, getting tangled in the sheets.

"Morning," Philip replies. He runs his fingers through Lukas's hair, gently tugging at a few knotted strands. 

Lukas makes a happy noise.

"How'd you sleep?" he asks and yawns.

"Pretty good, actually," Philip says, smiling. 

"Yeah," Lukas agrees. He strokes his fingers down the inside of Philip's leg to his knee, movement lazy. "What have you been up to? You could have woken me up, you know."

Philip puts his phone on the nightstand and scoots down, lying back down with Lukas and pulling the sheets up higher around them. 

"You need your sleep," he says, smiling as he cuddles closer. "I was just looking up stuff in the area. Like, places to get food. I'm not exactly very familiar with this part of the city."

Lukas brushes his lips against Philip's forehead, right between his brows. "Found anything interesting?"

Philip shrugs. "Thought maybe we could just walk around a bit, check out some stores, eat. There are a couple of places nearby that look cool. Unless you wanna go sightseeing?"

"Nah, we took a couple of school trips to the city. I've seen all the major sights."

"All of them, huh?" Philip says, teasing.

Lukas shrugs. "Enough," he amends. "And I'm sure the ones I haven't seen aren't worth playing tourist for all day when we could just hang out instead."

Philip laughs softly and kisses him. "I like your priorities," he says. Under the sheets, he nudges his foot between Lukas's, and Lukas slides his leg higher, over Philip's. 

Philip looks a lot more relaxed this morning, the gloom and tension of the last few days all but gone. He doesn't talk about the city a lot, doesn't share stories about his childhood often, but Lukas knows he misses the hustle and bustle sometimes, the anonymity of it, all the different places there are to go. Tivoli seems so tiny compared to this, so backwards.

"This weekend is all about what you want, anyway," he says, and watches the way Philip's eyes glint mischievously.

"Oh yeah?"

"Hmmm."

"So we could just stay in all day? Tempting," Philip says. 

"Sounds nice."

"Yeah, except Gabe and Helen will ask me about what we did all weekend and I've kinda been trying not to lie to them anymore," Philip says with a small, playful frown on his face.

"Such a good boy," Lukas teases. He brings a hand up to Philip's face, resting the tip of his finger against the corner of his mouth and pushing his lips up. "Smile."

Philip gives him a look and then turns his head, too fast for Lukas to react, and catches his finger between his teeth. It doesn't hurt, but Lukas still yelps anyway. 

"Is this the kind of stuff I get for taking you on a trip for the weekend?"

"Are you going to hold this over my head for the rest of my life?" Philip replies, catching Lukas's hand in his. He brings it to his lips, kissing Lukas's finger. Lukas wiggles his fingers, earning him another kiss.

"Just for a year or two," he says. "Then I'll do something else awesome."

"Are you saying you're only going to do nice stuff for me every two years?"

"Yes. I think that's very generous of me," Lukas mocks. 

Philip gives a little grin, eyes crinkling up and leans in until their noses are brushing together, stealing a quick kiss. "You're only getting laid every two years then."

"Yeah, 'cause you don't love it just as much as I do," Lukas replies. 

"There are toys."

"They're not as good as me," Lukas says confidently, though his stomach does a happy little twist at the thought of Philip using a toy on himself. Maybe that's something he can talk Philip into one day, something Philip will let him watch.

"Oh, you think so?"

Lukas nods, smirking. "I know so. You love my dick."

"Eh," Philip says and shrugs. "I've seen better ones. It's the one good thing about gym class — I can ogle other guys."

Affronted, Lukas pulls back. "Dude," he exclaims. "Take that back, right now."

"Or what?" Philip says and laughs. He shifts onto his stomach, face half hidden in the pillows.

Lukas juts out his bottom lip and leans in close, looming over Philip. "Say it. Say you love my dick and that it's the greatest," he demands, kissing Philip's ear. 

"No," Philip says with a snicker. 

Lukas huffs. "You can't wound a guy's pride like that. I might never recover, Philip," he tries. "And I've seen the same guys you have in gym class all my life. They're not that impressive."

"But you are?"

"I'm not?" Lukas asks, and he's 99% sure Philip is still just teasing him. He kisses Philip's jaw, right at the top, and slowly drags his lips down while he slides his hand under the sheets, all the way down until he can worm his fingers into Philip's boxer-briefs. "Tell me. Please?"

Philip pushes back into his touch just slightly. "You're not the worst I ever had," he amends.

"I'm the only one you ever had," Lukas points out, giving Philip's butt a squeeze, the cheek warm and firm in his hand. He's never going to get tired of touching Philip, he thinks — anywhere, but especially there.

Philip snorts. "You're right. In that case, you're the worst and best I ever had, Lukas Waldenbeck. Congratulations."

"You're horrible," Lukas complains.

Philip twists, turns onto his side again and cups Lukas's neck, tugging him in close. Brushing their lips together, he murmurs, "I love your dick. Okay?"

"How much?" Lukas asks, smiling against Philip's mouth.

"A lot," Philip replies and pushes against him, pressing close. "Fuck, _so much_."

Lukas pulls back to look at Philip, all disheveled and soft. 

"Screw going outside," he says and dives right back in.

+

They do eventually leave their room. Philip got excited when Lukas told him Gabe packed his camera. It's a new one he got for his birthday back in January, all fancy and shiny, and Philip treats it like the apple of his eye.

Lukas would probably be a little jealous of how obsessed Philip is with it, if it wasn't for the fact that Philip always looks so happy, so at peace when he takes photos. And it doesn't hurt that he likes to take photos of Lukas. The ones he has taken of Lukas on his bike, doing jumps, are better than some of the ones he's seen of professional riders. Philip has even made a new instagram for him, just for motocross, and Lukas isn't famous by any means, but for someone doing motocross at his level, he's got a pretty decent amount of followers. Philip is like his own personal photographer, and damn if that doesn't make him feel special.

Outside, they pick a direction at random. They mostly just wander around for a while, checking out some shops while Philip takes photos. They have lunch in some hipster diner, and Lukas would feel uncomfortable in a place like this, except they blend in pretty well with his flannel shirt and Philip's skinny jeans. Nobody bats an eyelash when they hold hands over the table a few times, while devouring their burgers.

Despite Philip's complaints, Lukas makes them get ice cream a bit later, too. 

"I'm gonna get fat," Philip says, careful not to let anything drip onto his camera.

"Yeah, right," Lukas says with a snort. 

"No, really," Philip says. "My life is gonna be of those tragic tales. I'll put on weight and then my boyfriend is gonna leave me for some pretty, younger guy and I'll go on talk shows and cry about it."

Lukas laughs and wraps his free arm around Philip's shoulder. It feels easier to do stuff like that here in New York, where people don't know them. 

"I think it's safe to say your boyfriend is going to stick around," he says.

"You think so?"

"Yeah, got a good feeling about him," Lukas says and then leans in for a quick kiss. His ice cream is starting to melt, dripping down his fingers, but the happy look on Philip's face makes it worth it.

+

They return to the motel with a few bags, a bit tired from all the walking but happy. Philip found a store where he could buy new film for his polaroid camera, and Lukas bought a couple of shirts Philip picked out for him.

It's the kind of thing he's heard guys at school complain about, their girlfriends trying to dress them up, but Lukas doesn't mind. The shirts aren't things he wouldn't usually wear, and he's not really committed to a certain style anyway. Lukas never really cared much about clothes or put a lot of thought into what he wore, but he likes it when Philip looks at him and smiles in approval. Likes it when Philip tells him he looks good.

Lukas jokes about being hot stuff, but he doesn't really think it's true. He's just... him. Motocross makes him kinda cool, but other than that he never felt really special. It baffles him that he was always pretty popular with girls, yet people at school aren't tripping over their own feet when they see Philip. They should be. Lukas almost did the first time he saw him, thoughts he'd repressed for a long time popping into his head unasked, his stomach twisting. Philip is the kind of good-looking that made everything else stop for him, made him take notice, and even now Lukas is still a little awed by it sometimes. 

He's kind of glad the other kids in Tivoli aren't all over Philip. He's noticed a few guys and girls their age looking at Philip today, while they walked around, taking an interest in him, and it made Lukas feel a little jealous. Possessive. Pleased, too, because others might look, but Philip is with him; he's the one whose hand Philip holds, who gets to kiss him and sleep with him. Those thoughts come with a sense of pride, like he won a competition that he wasn't even aware he entered. But he can't help but worry that there's someone better out there for Philip at the same time, that he's going to lose Philip to someone else one day.

He's not sure he'd know what to do without Philip anymore. He thought he was fine before, that his life was going okay, but now even the thought of going back to how things were before Philip makes his heart ache.

Back in their room, they stash the bags away and then Philip flops down on the bed.

"My feet hurt," he sighs.

"Yeah," Lukas agrees and kicks his own shoes off, wiggling his toes a little. 

The fingers of his right hand are still a bit sticky from the ice cream, so he goes to the bathroom to wash them before he starts trying to convince Philip to lose their clothes before ordering dinner again.

Drying his hands off, his eyes fall to the big, circular bathtub in the corner of the room. It would probably feel good, he thinks, soaking in hot water for a while, relaxing. He goes to turn the water on, prepare a bath for them, when he remembers Philip's aversion to swimming. More than aversion, actually — outright refusal with a healthy dose of fear and unease mixed in. 

Lukas doesn't know if baths are off limits, too. It's not like anything can happen to them in a tub, sitting in water up to their bellies. But the lake, where Philip had first told him he doesn't swim, wasn't exactly deep or dangerous either, but judging by Philip's reaction Lukas might as well have been trying to drag him into the middle of the Pacific ocean to swim with sharks.

He goes to ask Philip about it, standing in the doorway to the bathroom.

"Hey," he says, and Philip, who is sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed now and fiddling with his camera, looks up. "There's a tub in here."

He sees the way Philip tenses a little, expression losing some its softness, shoulders lifting up just so. 

"We don't have to," Lukas quickly says. "I just thought it might feel nice."

Philip nods, all curt and unhappy, and Lukas hates himself a little for even bringing it up. 

Then Philip snorts, "It's stupid, right?"

Lukas sighs and gets onto the bed with him, sitting down on the edge with one leg pulled up onto the mattress, his knee drawn up and pressed against one of Philip's. 

"Not really, no. I'm sure you have your reasons," he says. 

"Yeah. But rationally I know I'm not going to drown in a tub."

Lukas reaches for Philip's hand, covering it with his and stroking over his knuckles. "Doesn't matter," he says. "You don't have to explain, you know."

"It's not a big deal," Philip says, shrugging. "It just scares me. The thought of being in a lake or even a tub. And I can't swim. I mean, there were these kids once, years ago, they were a bit older and I was walking home through this park and they started teasing me. And I guess I said something to piss them off, so one of them picked me up and said he was going to toss me into this pond that was just a few feet away. He carried me right to the edge of it, too."

"That's not _not_ a big deal, Philip," Lukas points out gently, squeezing his hand.

"Yeah, but he didn't even toss me in. I was yelling and crying, getting really hysterical, and they just laughed at me and let me go."

"It could have been really dangerous though, if they had tossed you in."

Philip shrugs. "I guess. But I was scared of open water before and I didn't have a reason for that. It just... got kinda worse after what happened in the park. And over the years it just—festered."

Lukas leans in and kisses Philip's temple. "It's okay," he murmurs. "And it's not stupid, okay?"

"Okay," Philip says, smiling a little.

Lukas nods. "Good," he says. "So, since the tub is out, what do you want to do? Is it too early for dinner?"

Philip gives him a hesitant look, teeth tugging at the right side of his bottom lip the way he does when he's thinking about something. It makes Lukas want to kiss him, bite down on Philip's lip too, then try to feel the marks they both left there with his tongue.

"I wanna try," Philip says. "The bath, I mean."

"What?" 

Philip smiles, but it looks unsure. "What's the worst that can happen, right?"

Lukas shrugs. "Are you sure, Philip?" he asks. 

He doesn't want to discourage Philip, but he also doesn't want him to push himself further than he's ready for. 

Philip seems to give the question some thought, jaw set, before he nods. "Yeah, let's do this," he says.

Lukas slides off the bed without comment and holds out his hand for Philip, tugging him off the mattress. Philip gives his hand a squeeze, as if he's the one needing to be reassured.

"Okay, so how do we do this?" Philip asks when they're in the bathroom, and Lukas watches him glance around nervously, eyes straying to the tub in the corner before flitting away.

"We don't have to," he gently reminds Philip.

Philip looks at him, shoulders drawn up, and shakes his head. "No, I do," he says. "Please?"

Lukas takes Philip's face between his hands and gives him a soft, short kiss. 

"Okay," he murmurs. "Nothing bad is going to happen, okay? I'm here."

"Okay," Philip says. Lukas smiles and takes a step back.

"Good. I'll fill it up, you start getting undressed," he says, attempting to sound light to ease Philip's nerves a little. "You want bubbles or something?"

Philip looks at the tub again. "No. No bubbles," he says.

Lukas nods and goes to turn on the water. He's careful not to make it too hot. There are some complimentary bath products on a little shelf next to the tub and he roots through them, until he finds some bath oil that doesn't smell too horrible and adds a bit. He doesn't really take baths, usually, but Rose had a whole basket full of products like this that she loved.

"Don't make the water get too high," Philip says, and he sounds small. 

Lukas kind of hates it, but he also knows now that Philip has made up his mind that this is something he has to do. To prove to himself.

He glances back at Philip, backed up against the sink as if he's trying to put as much distance between himself and the water. He's stripped down to his boxer-briefs, arms crossed over his stomach.

"Get over here and tell me when to turn the water off," Lukas suggests and starts stripping off his own clothes as Philip slowly comes closer.

He looks down into the tub and then at Lukas, gaze falling to Lukas's bare chest for a moment, and Lukas feels a bit smug, knowing that's enough to distract Philip. He pushes his jeans down, too.

"Maybe this isn't that bad," Philip admits, and Lukas grins widely.

"Come here," he says and reaches for Philip, dragging him closer. He ducks his head down, catching Philip's mouth in a kiss. He kisses him all slow, sucking lazily on his bottom lip as he cards his fingers through Philip's hair.

Philip looks calmer when they finally part, cheeks flushed a healthy pink. 

"Ready?" Lukas asks and swipes his thumb over Philip's cheek. 

"Yeah. Okay," Philip replies and takes a deep breath. Lukas steals another quick kiss, can't help himself, and then quickly pulls off his boxer-briefs.

"I'll get in first," he suggests. 

He turns the water off before stepping into it, sinking down into the tub. The water is nice and hot, and he sighs as he submerges in it. He lets himself relax into it for a couple of seconds, then holds out his hand to Philip.

Philip is back to looking uncomfortable, eyes guarded.

"You don't have to," Lukas says. Philip gives him a look Lukas can't quite read, then strips off his underwear and takes Lukas's hand. 

"Don't let go, okay?" he says, and Lukas tightens his hand in Philip's. 

"Of course not," he says. "Just step in and sit down between my legs. I'll hold you."

Philip nods and slowly, carefully does as Lukas suggested. Lukas can feel the uncertainty and nerves radiating off him, sees how unsteady Philip is as he lifts one leg over the edge of the tub. His grip on Lukas is almost painful now, but Lukas doesn't say anything. He just reaches out and steadies Philip with his free hand, guiding him and offering support, as Philip steps into the water. 

Philip sits down and Lukas pulls him back against his chest, curling one arm around Philip's waist. "See, that wasn't so bad," he murmurs, even though he can feel how tense Philip is, the line of his shoulders completely rigged. Lukas kisses his neck.

"Relax," he says.

"Keep your arms around me," Philip replies, and it sounds almost pleading. 

Lukas tightens his arm around him.

"Always," he promises. 

Philip nods and a bit of the tension drains out of him. Lukas slides his free arm around Philip's shoulders, nuzzles against the side of his face and drops a couple of short, sweet kisses there. Slowly, he feels Philip relax further and sink back against him.

"Okay?" he murmurs. "We can get out any time you want."

Philip's hand settles on Lukas's arm. "I'm okay," he says.

Lukas nods, even though he knows Philip can't see him. He drops a kiss onto Philip's shoulder. It feels nice, the hot water and Philip in his arms. Lukas lets his eyes travel over Philip's body, all the pale, wet skin. He slides his hand from Philip's shoulder down his chest, fingers brushing against Philip's left nipple, smiling when Philip sucks in a quiet gasp. He moves his hand lower, until he reaches Philip's lap, and strokes his thigh under the water.

He's getting hard, having Philip pressed up against him like that in the water, skin against skin. And he can see Philip is, too, his cock filling.

"Want me to stop?" he asks. 

"I—I don't know," Philip says. 

Lukas hums. "I'm not going to let go. Nothing can happen to you, okay?"

Philip's nod is a little jerky, but he lets his legs fall open a little wider, knees pressing against Lukas's. 

Lukas watches his own hand as he moves it to Philip's cock, fingers teasing through dark hair before he wraps them around the thick length. Philip makes another noise, a small breathless moan, and tips his head back further against Lukas's shoulder.

Lukas keeps the touch light at first. He strokes Philip, feels him get harder in his hand, fatter. He kisses Philip's shoulder, eyes fixed on his own hand, moving up and down.

Philip moans and his hips give an aborted thrust. Not quite daring to move the way he usually would, but wanting to. Lukas grips him a little more tightly, jerks him a little faster. He lets his hand trail lower, cupping Philip's balls, playing with them.

"L—Lukas," Philip gasps, and Lukas can't tell if it's a plea for more or for him to be careful. 

"Just enjoy this," he murmurs and wraps his hand around Philip's cock again, his touch firmer now, surer. "Come on, Philip."

"I—" Philip starts, but he seems to lose his train of thought, another moan falling from his lips. He makes the sweetest noises when he's turned on, all helpless and breathless, too quiet because they're hardly ever somewhere where they can be loud. 

Lukas nips at Philip's neck, teeth dragging against skin for a second, before he kisses the same spot. He swipes his hand over the head of Philip's dick, smearing water and precome, and gives him a few more tugs. The water eases the way, but Lukas is more careful than he'd usually be, cautious to keep Philip nestled securely between his legs, to keep his one arm wrapped firmly around Philip's middle.

The last thing he wants is to accidentally let go. The bathwater doesn't pose a real threat, especially not with Lukas there, but Lukas promised Philip and he's going to keep his word. 

His own cock is rubbing almost painfully against Philip's backside, but he ignores it for now. Later, when they're not in the water, he can think about himself. Right now, it's all about Philip. About making him feel good and forget about the fact that this is supposed to be something that scares him. 

"Are you gonna come for me?" he asks, keeping his voice low as he strokes Philip. "Want you to."

"Fuck, _Lukas_."

Lukas grins, knowing just how much Philip likes it when he talks when they have sex. Licking his lips, he keeps going. "I love watching you like this. All flushed and enjoying yourself. I love that _I'm_ the one doing this to you," he says. "You're so fucking beautiful."

Philip digs his fingers into Lukas's arm to the point of it being painful, body arched back into Lukas's and hips lifting up. He comes with a small cry.

Lukas slowly strokes him through it, until Philip turns his face into his neck with a shudder. He gathers Philip against him with both arms around him and nuzzles his forehead. 

"All good?"

"You even need to ask?" Philip asks. "I mean, _fuck_."

Lukas laughs, and Philip twists around in his arms. Fingers sliding into Lukas's hair, he tugs him down, and Lukas goes willingly, meeting Philip's lips in a kiss. It's frantic, wild at first, a little uncoordinated, all lips and teeth and tongues swiping together. Then, gradually, their kisses slow down, get softer, Philip relaxed and pliant in his arms, making small noises. 

"Maybe I don't hate baths," he mumbles against Lukas's mouth. 

Lukas draws back, kisses Philip gently, once, twice, three times and grins. "No?" 

He brings one hand up, slicking Philip's hair back. He looks gorgeous, skin all flushed rosy and lips bruised from kissing. 

"Well, I don't love them. And I'm not gonna get into a tub alone," Philip amends. "But it's okay when you're with me."

"As long as it's only with me and not some other guy," Lukas teases, and Philip rolls his eyes, but he looks amused. 

He always does when Lukas gets a little possessive — it's mostly all in good fun anyway, but a part of Lukas can't help it, can't stop worrying that one day Philip is going to find someone better. As long as Philip keeps looking at him like he's an idiot for even having those thoughts, though, he'll be okay.

Philip rests their foreheads together, fingers carding through Lukas's hair.

"Never," he says, and his tone is so genuine it makes Lukas ache. 

Philip pecks him on the lips again, smiling.

"Let's get out of here," he suggests.

"Already?" Lukas asks. "You just said you liked it."

"Baby steps," Philip says and Lukas nods. 

They untangle and Lukas moves slowly, carefully, trying not to accidentally knock against Philip in the small space or jostle him too much. 

Philip gets out first, hand gripping Lukas's tightly as he steps out, and Lukas follows. He reaches for one of the fluffy towels and he's barely started patting himself dry when Philip steps in close and kisses him.

The towel drops from Lukas's hands and he takes Philip by the hips, pulling him in closer without a moment's hesitation. He laughs into the kiss when Philip starts pushing him back, the two of them stumbling a little, the kiss breaking, until Lukas finds himself pressed against the sink.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

Philip tips his head back, before sinking down onto his knees. 

"Thanking you," he says, looking up at Lukas through dark lashes, lips quirked up into a grin. Lukas can't help the moan that escapes him, hands gripping the edge of the counter because he swears his knees are about to buckle and give out. 

Philip takes him into his hand and licks a stripe up Lukas's cock, gaze still fixed on Lukas's face. His eyes flutter closed when he sucks the head into his mouth, hot wet heat wrapping itself around Lukas, his tongue swirling over his slit. The pleasure is intense, making Lukas tremble with it.

"Oh fuck," he hisses and he cries out when Philip takes him in deeper. 

He tries to keep still, to not thrust forward even though he wants to so badly. Wants to bury himself in Philip, get lost in the pleasure he brings him. One of his hands slips off the counter and he palms the back of Philip's head instead, fingers twirling in silky strands. 

Philip hums, pressing forward until Lukas is fully engulfed, his nose pressing into Lukas's pubic hair. Lukas can't look away, can't do anything but stare at the dark mop of hair as Philip slowly takes him apart, makes him pant and gasp. 

Philip pulls back, until just the tip of Lukas's dick is resting on his tongue, and makes a noise that makes sparks shoot up Lukas's spine.

"Oh god," he mumbles. "Philip, _please_."

Philip grips his hip with one hand, his thumb pressing into Lukas's hipbone, and slowly sucks him back down. Teasingly.

Lukas's hips twitch and a low moan breaks free from him. Philip laughs around him, the noise vibrating against Lukas, and the pleasure of it is so sharp, so unexpected, Lukas tumbles right over the edge.

"Shit," he hisses, body arching and head thrown back. He comes without warning, spilling into Philip's mouth.

Slumped against the counter, panting and trembling, Lukas blinks down at Philip. Philip draws back, lets Lukas slide from his mouth, and licks his lips all slowly, deliberately. Like he just ate the most delicious thing in the world and wants to savor every last bit of it.

Lukas groans and it sounds almost pained. 

Philip grins. "Hope that was a good noise," he says. 

He kisses Lukas's hip, nuzzles his nose against it, and then gets up, holding onto Lukas's arms for support. Lukas drags him closer, kisses him hungrily, arms wrapping around Philip. He can taste himself on Philip's tongue, salty and bitter, and he moans.

It's insane, he thinks. That this is his life now. That all it took was for Philip to walk into his life and shake things up so completely, make him question everything about himself and his life. And now he has everything he never even dared to hope for. Now he is taking freaking weekend trips to New York with his boyfriend — his gorgeous, sweet boyfriend — and having crazy, hot sex with him and he's so damn in love he doesn't know what to do with all these feelings inside him sometimes.

And he couldn't be happier. He's never been truly happy before, until Philip.

+

They tumble onto the bed in their boxer-shorts, Lukas on top of Philip. The mattress bounces under their combined weight and Philip wraps his arms around Lukas's neck, smiling up at him.

"What now, Mr. Waldenbeck?"

"Well," Lukas starts and kisses a path down Philip's neck. "It's definitely not too late for dinner anymore."

Philip snorts. "Always thinking with your stomach."

"Not always," Lukas says and draws back, so Philip can see his face. 

He waggles his eyebrows, putting on his best leer. The laugh he gets in return, even though Philip is trying to roll his eyes at him at the same time, makes his stomach flutter. There's nothing better than making Philip happy, than bringing Philip even a little bit of joy because god knows he didn't have enough of it in his life so far.

"So, no food?" Philip asks.

Lukas's stomach chooses that moment to rumble, and he feels his cheeks heat up.

Philip laughs again. "I think that answers my question," he says and cranes his head to the side, reaching for the menu on the bedside table. 

His fingers brush against it, but he can't quite get to it, so Lukas stretches toward it and grabs it. He rolls off Philip, lying down on his back next to him and holds the menu up for both of them to see.

"Anything in particular you want?" he asks.

Philip shrugs. "We had burgers for lunch, so not that," he says. 

Lukas skims the print, weighing his options. "I could go for steak."

Philip snorts, turning onto his side and pressing a kiss to his shoulder. "One day I'll make you eat a dinner without any meat."

"Don't be gross," Lukas mutters and makes a face at Philip. It earns him a quick kiss. 

"You'll even have a salad as a starter," Philip continues to tease. 

Lukas worms his arm around Philip's neck, pulling him down against his chest and kisses the top of his head.

"'Cause you eat so many salads, dude," he shoots back and then adds in a drawl, "And what can I say, I like a good piece of meat."

Philip groans, burying his face in Lukas's chest. "Oh god, that was so bad."

"No, it wasn't," Lukas defends himself. "Now tell me what you want so I can order before I start to feel faint."

"Pizza."

"Oh yeah, 'cause that's so healthy," Lukas mutters, but reaches for the phone on the nightstand on his side.

"There's tomato sauce on it. I'm getting my fill of vegetables," Philip argues.

"They're a fruit, idiot."

"I'm an idiot?" Philip asks, trying to pull away but Lukas holds him tight against him, smiling at the way Philip squirms. "Let's talk about déjà-vus again, Lukas."

Lukas tickles Philip's side, grinning at the way Philip snorts, trying to bite back his laughter. 

"Shhh, I need to make a call, Philip. You're being loud and disruptive," he says, and pats Philip's side. He dials the reception desk before Philip can reply, making another shushing noise.

"I'll pay you back for that," Philip whispers, just as the receptionist picks up. And then he slides his hand down Lukas's boxer-briefs before Lukas can stop him. 

Lukas gasps in surprise, quickly covering the noise with a cough.

Philip is grinning up at him, pleased and just a little evil, and slowly, teasingly, wraps his fingers around Lukas's length as Lukas starts stammering out words.

+

After Lukas places their order, it doesn't take long before he's back on top of Philip and they're making out, grinding together eagerly. Their boxer-briefs are taken off and tossed aside carelessly.

They don't have a lot of time, but they're used to having to rush things. Lukas grabs the lube from the nightstand and makes fast work of getting Philip ready, spurred on by Philip's gasps and moans and the way he pushes back into Lukas's fingers.

Lukas slicks himself up and hikes Philip's legs over his shoulders. Positioning himself, he presses in with one smooth stroke, eyes fixed on Philip's face for any signs of discomfort. He feels tight around Lukas, almost too tight, muscles gripping him hotly, but Philip's face is slack with pleasure, eyes dark and wide. 

"Fucking hell, Lukas," he groans when Lukas bottoms out, and grabs Lukas face, dragging him down into a hurried kiss.

Lukas starts thrusting before long, only giving Philip a few moments to adjust before he draws back and pushes back in. 

He finds a rhythm, hard and fast and dirty. Lukas's thrusts lack any finesse, his fingers pressing bruises into Philip's thighs, but Philip doesn't seem to mind. He arches up into Lukas, whimpers into his mouth and digs his fingers into Lukas's scalp. 

They come almost at the same time, their moans mingling in the silence of the room. 

"Man," Lukas murmurs, gasping for air, and collapses down onto Philip. His heart is racing, pleasure and adrenaline and utter contentment waring inside of him. 

"Yeah," Philip agrees with a breathless laugh. 

Lukas nuzzles his neck, rolls his hips and Philip clenches around him, making a broken noise. It's almost too much, definitely too soon, but Lukas can't stop himself from doing it again, opening his mouth against Philip's neck and sucking at the flesh.

The knock at the door startles him, and he almost forgot about their food. "Shit," he murmurs and pulls back, out.

"You get it," Philip hisses, pushing him a little.

"Why me?" Lukas asks, pushing himself up on shaking arms.

"Because I'm not going to go open the door with your come dripping out of me," Philip says with disgust.

Lukas huffs exaggeratedly. "Oh, now you mind," he says but he rolls off the bed. 

He grabs the closest article of clothing he finds and wipes himself clean hurriedly, before grabbing a pair of boxer-briefs off the floor. 

There's another knock, followed by a muffled, "Room service."

"Coming," Lukas yells back and pats down his hair. 

Philip snickers and Lukas looks back at him with a glare.

"Go," Philip urges and then pulls the sheets up over him, all the way so only a few strands of unruly hair peek out.

"Unbelievable," Lukas says and goes to get the door. 

He knows he's bright red, from exertion and embarrassment, and there's no way it's not obvious that he just had sex. He tries not to care, tells himself to wear it with pride because hell yes, he just had sex with his boyfriend and it was freaking great. So he plasters on a smile and pulls the door open, even though he feels like he's dying a little on the inside.

+

Lukas wakes up to the feeling of the mattress jostling under him, the sheets around him being tugged at harshly, and the sound of a broken gasp turning into a sob.

Confusion quickly gives way to panic. 

"Philip?" he asks, his mouth feeling dry, like there's cotton in it, the word coming out slurred. 

The only answer he gets is a muffled sob. He sits up quickly, blinking as his eyes adjust to the darkness. Philip is sitting on the edge of the bed, his back to Lukas. The noises coming from him, the wet gasps, are heart-breaking.

Lukas scoots closer carefully, trying not to startle Philip. It takes a while for him to shake his nightmares sometimes, to become fully aware of his surroundings, to realize where he is and that Lukas is there. Lukas is the exact opposite — he wakes up frantically looking for Philip, for the comfort he always finds there.

"Hey. Philip," Lukas murmurs and gently touches Philip's shoulder. 

Philip flinches, but then his hand comes up, covering Lukas's. Lukas shifts closer, presses his body up against Philip's from behind.

"It's okay," he says softly. "You're okay. It was just a dream."

Philip nods, shakily, but sobs again, louder, more pained.

"Shhh," Lukas hushes and tugs Philip in close. 

Philip turns into him, nudging his face into the crook of Lukas's neck and wrapping his arms around him. Lukas strokes his back and lets him cry. 

He pulls the sheets up around them once Philip is a little calmer and kisses the top of his head. "Want to talk about it?" he asks.

Philip sniffles and shrugs. He tightens his arms around Lukas for a moment. "Just one of those dreams."

"Yeah," Lukas says, because he knows better than anyone what it's like. 

It doesn't really matter what the dream was about — if it was a memory or something Philip's mind made up, if it was about his mother or about them, about Lukas — the fear, the horror is always the same. 

"I love you," he says softly. He can't really fix things, not completely, but he knows hearing those words always makes him feel better. Philip nods against his neck. He's quiet now, the shaking has subsided, but his breathing is still ragged.

Lukas kisses his temple, the top of his cheek. "You want to lie back down?" he suggests gently.  
"Yeah, okay," Philip says. His voice is a little raspy, broken from crying. 

Lukas hugs him tight for another few seconds and then guides them back down. He pulls Philip against him, keeps running his hand up and down Philip's back and places soft kisses where he can.

"Guess my plan to fix everything by taking you away for the weekend didn't work, huh?" Lukas asks quietly.

Philip sighs and pulls back a little, nudging his nose against Lukas's chin. Lukas feels his exhale, his breath warm and damp. 

"Don't do that," Philip says. "This weekend has been amazing."

"Yeah, but I thought being here would..." Lukas trails off, not even sure what he thought. 

Would make things better, make Philip feel better — sure. But he's not naïve enough to think he can fix things. He'd just hoped Philip would be able to get away from everything for a couple of days, would not have nightmares and think about things all the damn time.

Philip cups his cheek, thumb stroking his skin and brushes their lips together. "You think it's the city that helps?" he asks.

"Doesn't it?"

"Yes and no. Being here is nice. It's distracting," Philip says. "Nobody here knows who we are and what we've been through. I like being in Tivoli, but sometimes I get sick of everyone looking at me and seeing the orphan with the fucked up life."

"Yeah," Lukas says, because he knows what that's like. 

He was a kid when his mom died, but he remembers the pity. He remembers the way people treated him differently, so carefully. Lukas was the poor kid whose mom died for years, until he turned himself into something else. Until they looked at him and saw the kid who was winning motocross competitions, who was always on his bike, who had a group of friends following him around devotedly. 

"But it's not New York that's making me feel better," Philip continues. "It's being here with you, spending time with you."

"You can spend time with me in Tivoli."

"Yeah. And usually that's enough. But sometimes a change of scenery is nice," Philip replies and shifts against him, nudging his foot between Lukas's under the sheets. "But it wouldn't mean shit if you weren't here with me."

He says it softly, and Lukas feels a bit ridiculous, but the quiet confession makes his eyes burn with tears. Philip sounds so genuine and if there's one thing Lukas could ask for, it'd be to take away all of Philip's pain and fears. Because Philip does that for him, too. He's the reason Lukas can work through nightmares and panic attacks and anxiety and Lukas clings to Philip like his life depends on it, and sometimes he worries that he can't give back as much as he's getting from Philip, that he can't do the same for him.

He blinks, an embarrassingly high noise escaping his throat and crushes their lips together before Philip can comment on it. A tear slides out as he kisses Philip, runs down from the corner of his eye and over his nose, dropping down onto Philip's. 

They kiss until Lukas feels like he has regained some control, until the band squeezing his chest tight has loosened a little. He pulls back with a few, softer kisses and presses his forehead against Philip's.

"God, we're a mess," Philip murmurs, and Lukas snorts.

"Yeah," he says. 

"One day we won't be, I think," Philip says. "Or at least not quite as big a mess."

"Fuck, I hope so," Lukas mutters and slides his fingers into Philip's hair. "What if we're not?"

He feels Philip shrug and smiles a little.

"Guess we'll be a mess together, then," Philip says. 

"Yeah," Lukas agrees, and thinks that doesn't sound too bad. 

They tumbled into this fucked up situation together, but they also dragged themselves out of it together. It's left its marks on both of them, changed their lives irrevocably, and Lukas has a lot of regrets. He'd change a lot of things if he could. But never this, never what he has with Philip. Philip is the only thing keeping him going and he'll do his best to be Philip's crutch too, and if that's not enough then he'll fucking carry Philip and keep walking for both of them.

"Stop thinking," Philip says and taps his finger against Lukas's temple.

"I'm not."

"Yeah, you are. And it's probably really melodramatic and sappy," Philip replies.

Lukas flushes, because Philip knows him too well, and pokes Philip in the side. "Shut up."

"Make me," Philip dares.

"Oh, I will," Lukas replies and drags Philip back in for another kiss.

They'll be okay, he thinks. As long as they'll have each other, have this, they'll be okay.

**the end**


End file.
